Am I the only one?

I don't know about everyone else, but when I've given into temptation and sinned, I feel like I'm not even deserving to be in the same room as my christian brothers and sisters.  I feel like I'm the only one sinning or even just dealing with temptation.

Well, I soon found that not to be true.  For the past few days I have been beating myself up about the temptation I gave into over the weekend and though I didn't think it was as big of an issue at the time, I soon got reminded that it really was.  Not just because I did something I told God I would never do again, but also because it was something I told my wife I would never do again. 

Let me tell you, the devil is sneaky.  He brought a war against me this past weekend.  With Missy out of town I alone the devil jumped on the opportunity.  As saturday afternoon was coming to an end, the sun was going down and everyone in the good 'ol Quad Cities were heading out to celebrate their St. Patty's weekend, the devil tried to convince me that I could go out and no one would ever know.  As I was just doing some things around the house, the freakin devil would not get off my back!  This should have been where I started to talking to God and declared authority over the devil, but that didn't exactly happen.  The devil didn't completely get ahold of me, but he still had a small victory.  I did stay home, but I invited a couple friends over that deffinetly weren't "strong christians".  I invited a couple friends over that I use to do a lot of sinning with.  Not a good idea!  The devil strategically convinced me that since I didn't give into the big temptation of going bar hopping, that it wouldn't be a huge ordeal if I just had a couple drinks in the safety of my own home.  The blinders came over me and I went against the promise I made to myself, the promise I made to my wife and most importantly to God.

Back to what I was saying though.  I had been condemning myself hardcore!  I'd been walking around with my head held low feeling like I got this huge sign over my head that says "sinner".  I walked into the church feeling like everyone is looking down upon me.  I felt like the devil had been focusing all his time and energy into just trying to make me give in.  

I was convinced differently tonight!  I got the chance to talk with one christian brother of mine whom I kinda feel like shares some of the same struggles I do and he told me about some of the struggles he had recently.  To see him humble himself and just come right out with it like he did helped me more than he might realize.  I immediatly informed him of my recent struggle and to know that we were kind of on the same page made me feel a lot better.  We later spoke a little more about our struggles and (1) assured each other of God's grace and that we are not alone in this battle between good and evil.  (2)We reminded each other of the accountability we need to have towards our christian brothers.  Whether it's before or after the fact, we need to be there for our christian brothers and sisters to not only help them fight against the temptations that come at us everyday, but to also be there to help them get back up when they have fallen.  

Accountability is a powerful thing.  There are things that we can't always bring to our pastor, or our wife, or even a parent, but having a group of christian brothers or sisters you can get that support from is better than just tucking it away and trying to get through it by yourself.  I should have called that accountable friend of mine that night the devil was breathing on the back of my neck and I failed to, but he was there to help me get back up.  Thanks bro!

Unemployment is more like unenjoyment.

Well, it's 9:16 am on Wednesday and though it's only been a few days of being laid off, I'm already getting sick of it.  Don't get me wrong, I love being home and spending time with Missy, but now that the weather is getting just a little bit warmer, I hate being couped up in the house.  Not to mention that I don't make nearly enough money in unemployment to cover the bills.  And it's such a hassle to get unenjoyment rolling, it's almost easier to just work.  It's especially hard for me because even though I know that the contractors pay into my unemployment insurance, I still kind of feel like a terd for drawing unemployment.  I kind of feel like I'm on welfare or something, you know.

Anyfart, there's a good chance I'll probably be laid off for the rest of the week so hopefully I can get some stuff done around the house or get some errands ran for Missy.  I won't try to do too much though because it's looking like I'm gonna have the whole weekend to get it done.  Missy's gonna be outa town over the weekend for her cousins bachelor party and originally I was gonna hit up Tri show at The Daquiri Factory, but since I've taken a vowe to not even step foot in a bar ever again, than that's kind of outa the question now.  I don't know what I'm gonna do, maybe go rent some PS3 games or something.  Well, if anybody wants to hang out, just hit me up!

"Tapia", to be or not to be?

I use to take pride in my last name.  I use to walk around with it across my chest, full of pride that I was another Tapia.  Another Tapia?  I took such pride in my last name that I couldn't wait to give it to another person the day I got married.  I took such pride in my last name that I couldn't wait to give it to the next generation the day I would have kids.

What defines a Tapia?  When people hear my last name, what impression do I make?  If they're familiar with the name than they more than likely know a lot of my uncles or older cousins whom were the generation before mine that was "just another Tapia generation".  Another Tapia generation that followed many other generations into a life of sin and the stronghold of alchohol.  My generation is heading that direction.  My generation is going to be just another link in the chain that is a generational curse in my family.  

Now, why would anyone want to represent that?  Why did I take such pride in something going the same path every generation before it went?  The same path everyone on the outside looking in expects it to go?  Why would I take pride in being a member of a family that is cursed?  Why would I want to be "just another typical Tapia"?

We all know that Christ was Jesus' last name.  If I'm correct Christ meant "the anointed one".  But what if it was his last name?  Now that would be a last name to take pride in.  Like that movie The Da Vinci Code, how B-A would that be to be a decendent of Jesus Christ?  Even if you didn't have supernatural powers, just to be able to say that you are in God in the flesh's family tree would be pretty freakin' cool.  I use to take pride in knowing that the Tapia family was once latin royalty from Spain way back in the day, but that doesn't even compare to if someone could say that "big guns upstairs" is your great, great, great, great, and so on grandpa.  But then again, aren't we all God's children?  This where I now find my pride.

I am God's child and my pride is no longer in my last name.  I have done some things in my life that I am not proud of, things that onlookers probably think to themselves that I am "just another Tapia".  I will not let this be.  I will not accept this label.  I now find myself ashamed to be a Tapia because that name represents everything I am not and don't want to be.  I hate that I had to give my wife that name and I fear what kind of plot the devil is planning for my children whom will carry the Tapia name.

It ends with me.  I will be different.  I won't walk around feeling cursed or condemned that I carry that last name with me like a label on my forehead, but will keep my eyes on God and make the Tapia name new!  I will be the first! This is the generation that will not only break that curse, but will represent Tapia like the name Christ did Jesus.  I don't know that I can save my entire generation or the ones before mine, but like scripture says "as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord".  My wife and I will keep our focus on God and put Him first.  We will bring our children into this world taking pride that God knew them and had a plan for their lives even before they were in the womb.  We will plant a seed in our children that will carry on from generation to generation.  We will be the start of the new Tapia name.  We will be a family of faith and wash the Tapia name clean of all it's worldly strongholds and stereotypes.  People will no longer look at me as "just another", but "the Tapia" that went the other direction.  The one that broke the curse.  I am fed up with the bondage the devil has had on my me and my family and will not go the same direction as those before me.  The Tapia name will become an anointed family and it starts here! 

This is my day!  I will remember February 24, 2008 not just as another sunday,  but as the day I stopped being so luke warm with my faith.  As much as I have tried to convince myself that I was living whole heartedly for God, I honestly wasn't giving my 100%.  Not just me individually, but my in my marriage as well.  God has called me to be a leader.  A leader in my walk with Him and a leader in my marriage and I have failed at both.  I'm sick of sitting in the background and letting the devil attack me while I think that no one sees.   I have come to the end of my rope and refuse to roll over and die.  Giving up seems like the easier route, but I am determined to be greater.  I have fallen and while many people are condemning me and I am even condemning myself, God is not.  I have lots of obstacles ahead and I am scared, but I cannot live in fear.  "The absence of fear is the renewal of faith".  I have faith!  I will no longer be a follower, but a leader.  It starts in my home.  I will no longer be my wife's helpmate, but will stand in front of her and take on the world.  I will be a faithful leader to my wife in every area.  I will lead in our spirituality, in our faith, in our love, in our intimacy, in our communication, in our finances, and in our families lives to come.